Depression is what I practically feel these days, especially at this time of the hour. I really don't know what to do but just lay down & gaze out at the window thinking about how amazing life was when you were mine. Now, I practically feel like everything's lost, all my dreams come true became something false.
Who knew what my teacher told me to draw could actually describe how I feel but I suck so much at drawing I don't know how to describe how depressed, angry, regrets & filled with anxiety I am in. I just led it out on myself because nobody knows what I'm feeling inside especially the amount of regrets I have within me, too much.
I cry myself to sleep every night just hoping the next day to be better but no, it just slowly drowns me in regrets & guilty every day passed. I don't know how much longer am I surviving this nonsensical life, it has almost been a week since we part, eventually a week. I'm so close to dying.
But...
I tell myself everyday you'll come back, maybe just not now. I hope you do. I hope all my waiting would pay off. I hope all these while you leaving me was just a pause in our relationship & has not stopped & will never stop.
Every now and then, I still treat you like you're mine, care for you like you're mine & love you more each day like you're mine. Well, I am yours, you're just not mine but I tell myself you are.
Tho, who knew drawing themes about depression, anxiety, anger & regret could be so inspirational and also deceiving for me to do those self harms but I've promised, and I just hope I don't break the promise. The urge now isn't that bad as I've been seeing you lately, so yeah.
Honestly, nobody will ever know what I'm feeling inside. I wouldn't even be able to explain it nor show it. So, I guess I'll go through this myself. Hm, it's just so difficult to accept the fact that you're gone. #nowplaying Gone - Lawson
This post is so filled with words, I don't know if you would drop by to read it but I suggest you not continue. I don't want to sound clingy & obsessed but I just really needed to type this because I just couldn't talk to nobody about these.
From my previous post, I told you I miss you and yes, I really really do. Every day. Every night you end the convo, I think to myself about how we used to ended it & the result of now, kills. It kills. From iloveyous to "same goes to you". The feels is not nice at all. But what more can I do? I am the cause of all these pain in myself. But I'm glad, I'm glad you talked to me.
And I want to tell you this,
"No matter how bad my day starts, it will apparently be good when you talk to me, no matter what we talk about, you make my day."
This is one of my disgustingly awful sketch of "depression" I suppose or probably hate towards self. I got inspired by weheartit.com & myself.
This is really what I feel everyday of my life but...
I tell myself this everyday. It's my whatsapp background picture so I'll be looking at it and be motivated. Grabbed it from weheartit.com
You love me. You love me. You love me.
Words go on repeat everyday in my mind. You love me.
"So, what's the point of self harming if you love me?"
; Sounds easy? But no.. It's not. The urge everyday whenever you see blades & starts thinking about how much of blame I put on myself but still because of you, I wouldn't do all these. Why? Because YOU LOVE ME.
&, I love you. that's why.
come back to me baby. come back. :(
-JayleenK-
Oh, 7 days (:
